In Medias Res #13-Always want to be the Greatest

Oh dear reader. After Monday’s manic post, you most likely are expecting something more calm and reserved, yes? That seems to be my mode, at least having spent a while today reading my own archives (huzzah narcissism). I write something wild and frustrated, and then I return to a simpler more quotidian entry. I’m sure if I had more time and energy I could trace most of the posts to emotional highs and lows. I was certainly reenergized after my time home for the holiday. I don’t have the inclination, though. So you’ll just have to trust my hypothesis.
That said, I do hope you’ll forgive me if I get a little bit energized again. Maybe I haven’t burnt up all of that leftover turkey. Cause something’s bothering me this week, dear reader, and for once it’s not you and our love hate paso-doble. For once, it really is me and not you. (Don’t worry we’re not breaking up. Yet.)
See there’s a weekly meeting that I am expected to be at, and I make it there five minutes early every week. I come prepared, and I share my thoughts and opinions. Here’s the problem though: when I get in that meeting I become so eager to please. I want to impress and amuse people. I’m like a needy puppy. Of course, as is always the way with these things I end up saying stupid things in my effort to sound smart, and I must appear annoying in my efforts to seem charming.
Now, I am well aware that I do this. For some reason, though, I can’t stop myself. Where is that naked desire for approval and recognition coming from? (Oh, I hear you scoffing dear reader, as you remember last week’s bitter pleas for validation, but always remember, my love, that my remonstrations to you are in jest). Last week, during our one on one, after I did my updates my supervisor moved on to their ‘suggestions’. This is always the part of our time that makes me nervous. If there’s going to be criticism or negativity it will be in this portion of the meeting. Generally we talk about some minor nuisance. Very rarely does he have bad things to say. But I spend my morning before the meeting a nervous wreck.
Honestly, what’s going on here? Almost all of the feedback I’ve gotten thus far has been positive, and even when I am annoying or cloying in one of these meetings people generally seem to brush it off. I end up spending too much of the day fretting over bad performance in a meeting, or focusing on a bit of irritating (albeit true) feedback.
I expect and hope that as I become more confident in my position and skills that this neediness will subside. I think also, the next time I sit down with my supervisor I will just ask how they feel about my performance. My end of the semester performance review is coming up anyway, but I figure getting feedback a little bit sooner might allay some of this anxiety (anxiety issues? Oh f*&k I’ve become my father).