Res. Life and the City #6- Faith

“Because being in an actual relationship means taking a risk, you know? It's just, a leap of faith. No matter how many times one might have been disappointed in the past.” -Carrie Bradshaw


Okay, first let's get something out of the way. Yes, I realize that I have not submitted an entry in three weeks. I apologize to the dozens of you reading this and perhaps wondering if I fell into a sinkhole or some other equally ridiculous way of disappearing. No, I did not fall into an actual sinkhole, but I do feel as though I fell into a personal one.

In my last post, I discussed how stressed out I have been. While the stress continues, it has morphed into a different type of stress over the past few weeks. I have internalized my work-related stress and now I am stressed on a personal level. I have simply not felt fulfilled. Then, in the matter of three days about two weeks ago, I hit rock bottom.

This whole episode or journey or whatever it is that's going on with me started innocently enough. My RAs had put together a bi-monthly guided meditation program series for our residents. Being a good supervisor, I decided to stop by one night to see how everything was working out. The leader of the meditation took a different route than I had ever experienced before. Since I work in Res. Life, I have definitely been through my fair share of guided mediations and stress relief exercises, but this time it was a totally different experiences. We did the whole guided muscle relaxation, but then the moderator asked us to go back into our memories and remember a time in which we were truly and totally happy. Not content, or fulfilled, or just okay...you had to pick a time in which you were really, truly happy.

All of a sudden, I was back at my previous institution in my old office which was always the hub of activity for my staff. It was around 10 o'clock at night and one of my favorite RAs threw open the door, strolled right in, and boldly announced "I'm craving a meat and cheese tray!" Like any good supervisor, I immediately agreed and we were soon on our way to the grocery store for a meat and cheese tray, along with some Hawaiian bread and spinach dip. We came back to my office and planned on working on homework together. A few more staff members joined us and we soon found ourselves looking up boy band videos on YouTube until four in the morning.

As I remembered this specific memory, the moderator asked us to bring our minds back to the present. He asked us to think about what about this particular memory was so fantastic, that it made us truly happy. Then he asked us to compare our current feelings toward the world and our life and our happiness to the memory we chose. We went back and forth like that for about 15 minutes and by the end of the exercise, I had started to cry and didn't even realize it. It was at that moment that I realized that I wasn't truly happy. Something was missing. Something was not working with my seemingly perfect life at the perfect school with the perfect job in the perfect location.

The feeling missing something continued until our all-staff meeting two days later. Part of the professional development series that we are doing as a department involved a personal assessment of personal balance. It had the standard questions such as how much sleep you were getting, how often you were getting off-campus, and other things that are specific to live-in professional. However, when I read the last question I stopped in my tracks and it suddenly became hard to breathe. Number 20 was staring back at me like a big, fat schoolyard dare. It read "Do you feel fulfilled?" This question was daring me to take the easy road and write "yes," even when I knew deep-down that the answer was a big, fat "no."

Something was not right with my soul. After our staff meeting, I rushed over to Borders and picked up this book which one of my old staff members (who was actually at the meat and cheese night) recommended to me while I was back for Homecoming. While it may not be for everyone, I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. My soul was craving for something more than meetings and students and exploring my new world. I still don't know if I can properly articulate what it is that I'm looking for, but I know that it has to be spiritual in nature.

You may be asking yourself what this all has to do being a first-year professional. Well, I am a big believer in karma and destiny and all of that "it was meant to be" sort of thing. I feel like although I may not be fulfilled right now, I know in my heart and soul that being at this institution was meant to be. I work at a religious and more so spiritual institution. Some of my friends still can't believe I work here due to my general abhorrence to all organized religions, but I know that I was meant to go through this exploration in a setting where spirituality is talked about on a daily basis. Our campus climate is so open to these types of conversations, whether you are part of a religion or not, you are always invited into the conversation. I am already thankful that I am part of community where I can explore whatever it is that's going on with me with and honest and open heart. I have no idea where I'm going from here, but I guess that's where faith comes into play.