Res. Life and the City #6- Faith

“Because being in an actual relationship means taking a risk, you know? It's just, a leap of faith. No matter how many times one might have been disappointed in the past.” -Carrie Bradshaw


Okay, first let's get something out of the way. Yes, I realize that I have not submitted an entry in three weeks. I apologize to the dozens of you reading this and perhaps wondering if I fell into a sinkhole or some other equally ridiculous way of disappearing. No, I did not fall into an actual sinkhole, but I do feel as though I fell into a personal one.

In my last post, I discussed how stressed out I have been. While the stress continues, it has morphed into a different type of stress over the past few weeks. I have internalized my work-related stress and now I am stressed on a personal level. I have simply not felt fulfilled. Then, in the matter of three days about two weeks ago, I hit rock bottom.

This whole episode or journey or whatever it is that's going on with me started innocently enough. My RAs had put together a bi-monthly guided meditation program series for our residents. Being a good supervisor, I decided to stop by one night to see how everything was working out. The leader of the meditation took a different route than I had ever experienced before. Since I work in Res. Life, I have definitely been through my fair share of guided mediations and stress relief exercises, but this time it was a totally different experiences. We did the whole guided muscle relaxation, but then the moderator asked us to go back into our memories and remember a time in which we were truly and totally happy. Not content, or fulfilled, or just okay...you had to pick a time in which you were really, truly happy.

All of a sudden, I was back at my previous institution in my old office which was always the hub of activity for my staff. It was around 10 o'clock at night and one of my favorite RAs threw open the door, strolled right in, and boldly announced "I'm craving a meat and cheese tray!" Like any good supervisor, I immediately agreed and we were soon on our way to the grocery store for a meat and cheese tray, along with some Hawaiian bread and spinach dip. We came back to my office and planned on working on homework together. A few more staff members joined us and we soon found ourselves looking up boy band videos on YouTube until four in the morning.

As I remembered this specific memory, the moderator asked us to bring our minds back to the present. He asked us to think about what about this particular memory was so fantastic, that it made us truly happy. Then he asked us to compare our current feelings toward the world and our life and our happiness to the memory we chose. We went back and forth like that for about 15 minutes and by the end of the exercise, I had started to cry and didn't even realize it. It was at that moment that I realized that I wasn't truly happy. Something was missing. Something was not working with my seemingly perfect life at the perfect school with the perfect job in the perfect location.

The feeling missing something continued until our all-staff meeting two days later. Part of the professional development series that we are doing as a department involved a personal assessment of personal balance. It had the standard questions such as how much sleep you were getting, how often you were getting off-campus, and other things that are specific to live-in professional. However, when I read the last question I stopped in my tracks and it suddenly became hard to breathe. Number 20 was staring back at me like a big, fat schoolyard dare. It read "Do you feel fulfilled?" This question was daring me to take the easy road and write "yes," even when I knew deep-down that the answer was a big, fat "no."

Something was not right with my soul. After our staff meeting, I rushed over to Borders and picked up this book which one of my old staff members (who was actually at the meat and cheese night) recommended to me while I was back for Homecoming. While it may not be for everyone, I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. My soul was craving for something more than meetings and students and exploring my new world. I still don't know if I can properly articulate what it is that I'm looking for, but I know that it has to be spiritual in nature.

You may be asking yourself what this all has to do being a first-year professional. Well, I am a big believer in karma and destiny and all of that "it was meant to be" sort of thing. I feel like although I may not be fulfilled right now, I know in my heart and soul that being at this institution was meant to be. I work at a religious and more so spiritual institution. Some of my friends still can't believe I work here due to my general abhorrence to all organized religions, but I know that I was meant to go through this exploration in a setting where spirituality is talked about on a daily basis. Our campus climate is so open to these types of conversations, whether you are part of a religion or not, you are always invited into the conversation. I am already thankful that I am part of community where I can explore whatever it is that's going on with me with and honest and open heart. I have no idea where I'm going from here, but I guess that's where faith comes into play.

In Medias Res #8-Breaking Writer's Block?

From the album "Writer’s Block" (yes, I know its barely relevant I'm trying to see how many Peter, Bjorn, and John references I can cram in this semester)

I was having a lot of trouble with determining what I want to write about this week. My supervisor is out of town, and my students are immersed in midterms. It is one of those rare slow weeks where I’ve had the chance to get ahead on some ongoing projects. I did have two trainings this week, but I’d prepared them both well in advance (and the one I’ve done so far was pretty damn successful if I do say so myself).
So I figured I’d give you-dear reader- a bit more insight into what a slow week looks like for In Medias Res. We begin at the end, or with last week’s end anyways.
The Weekend:
While web surfing last Thursday I read a brief article about how one of my favorite bands had reformed and was touring. Out of curiosity I check out their website. Lo and behold, they were performing in my neck of the woods Friday night! What are the chances? I read the alternative weekly and pretty regularly check out the community calendars so I like to think I keep abreast of things, but this came up out of nowhere. And the show was awesome. And cheap. Such is the beauty of living in a city.
My weekend was off to a good start. I proceeded to sleep in on Saturday and then run a million errands. I even made it to the Farmer’s Market near my apartment for a cooking demonstration. Sunday I slept in again (good lord if I don’t love sleeping), read in my backyard, and checked out some dogs up for adoption. (So far? No dog.)
Monday:
Was meeting after meeting after meeting. Why do people only want to meet with me on Monday and Friday? And why do they expect me to have energy and enthusiasm at the end of either of those days? After work I went home, ate dinner, exercised, and came back to campus for a student program. Got to sleep around midnight.
Tuesday:
I booked a flight for a conference. I attended a program put on by our law school over the lunch break, and then came back to the office for three hours of curriculum revision. Tuesday it took me an extra half hour to get home because of construction (it usually takes fifteen minutes), and so I couldn’t get to the library before they closed. Rode my bike to the neighborhood borders and bought a copy of Tom Perotta’s new book on sale.
Wednesday:
Spent the morning meeting with our study abroad folks about creating focused themed programming. Not completely sold on the idea yet, but the implementation is at least a year out so hopefully as things firm up I can help them shape it into something exciting. Had lunch with a colleague in the Career Center who really wants to make the transition back to the activities/leadership side of Student Affairs. Kind of sounded like they were gunning for my job (which they will have to pry from my cold dead hands). After work I went home, ate dinner, and came back to campus for a student program (Déjà vu?).
Thursday:
Marathon staff meeting. Spent lunch working with a group of student leaders on a campus wide diversity initiative that needs a lot of conceptual work. This afternoon our campus speaker cancelled and so I have a good chunk of time to work on some programming initiatives. My student worker has been out of the office all week interviewing for Teach for America. My supervisor has not checked in once from the road which I appreciate it. On the agenda tonight: Going to see a craptacular horror film with a coworker.

In Medias Res #7- You Should be Offended

Last weekend was Parent’s Weekend. Its significant because it’s the last weekend I have to work in a while (yay) and perhaps more importantly it was a great chance to get some insight into the students I work with. I can not help but think of my own parents during this sort of program. Back during Orientation (which seems like just yesterday) I couldn’t help but reflect on when my parents dropped me off at college (which also seems like just yesterday). How different my own parents seemed during my Parent’s Weekend, and more importantly-even though since then I might have argued otherwise- how much they treat me more they treated me like an adult. My parents are admittedly shocked-their words- by how independent I turned out to be. I’m not sure when it happened, although I know a lot of it has to do with coming out, but at some point I simply made a conscious decision to stop being a wallflower.

I therefore have a special affinity for those students who come to college and blossom. My transition to independence happened a little earlier, but I really came into my own skin that first semester of college. To see my students interact with their parents was interesting. To see the parents respond to the emergence of this new person in their absence was exciting.

One of the really fun things I got to do this weekend was moderate a coffee house for parents about our civic engagement programs. This is a campus wide effort we’re taking on, and our students expressed a lot of excitement about the opportunities that were being created. Of course because are students are bright and engaged the conversation inevitably turned to some of the hot button issues. In particular we talked a lot about the institution’s commitment to sustainability and the national debate surrounding the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA). Despite the fact that we have students all over the political spectrum, the conversation was respectful. We talked a lot about putting the ‘T’ in LGBT and then expanded on where/why/who gets to add Intersex and Asexual to the acronym. We also talked extensively about the notion of ‘special’ rights and expanding the sphere of what should and should not be legislated. As I transitioned towards final thoughts a parent chimed in that they had really appreciated the level and tone of discourse. They then added that from now on it was going to be hard to watch the chat shows without getting offended. Their student then added vehemently, “You should be offended. We should all be offended.” I waited to see the parent’s reaction, expecting a little bit of frustration, but they sat, thought, and then smiled.

But enough about that,

Friday night I had gone out with some other grad school friends for dinner (trust me, it’s the weird luck of the draw we all ended up here). Friday night the conversation centered on the usual topics: updates about mutual friends, venting about work hours, and concern over one person’s cat. A friend from grad school who works a little over an hour away came into town on Saturday. We went to a drag show downtown (one of the less spectacular drag shows I have been to). The conversation focused on the difficulty of making friends in a small town (his problem), the difficulty of cracking the code of a big city to find your social niche (my problem), and why we’re both single (I feel like I’ve been having that last conversation since sophomore year of college-even if I was just listening to other people when I happened to not be single).

I know we talk about balance a lot in the field, and I think the only thing that differentiates us from most other professions is how MUCH we talk about balance. I have college friends who live in town and they work as much if not more than I do. Being young and trying to create a career is a challenge whatever you do. Personally I would like to develop some friendships outside of the institution to get away from work, but I’m starting to think that this conversation about balance borders on the absurd. This is work, people. This is capitalism (and yes, the urge to compete still exists within higher education. Especially in higher education). Not to sound like a Marxist, but being a cog is supposed to make you feel alienated and isolated. If we don't find comraderie amongst the other workers- well who then?

In Medias Res # 6- Ideological Warriors

I finished a great book last night. It’s called God’s Harvard: A Christian College on a Mission to Save America. The author, a reporter for the Washington Post, spent a couple of years shadowing a group of students at Patrick Henry College (PHC). PHC is a small Evangelical Christian Liberal Arts college. The book gives an overview of the institution’s founding, and then through alternating chapters share the student’s stories. I couldn’t help but think two things: 1) this would make a great dissertation topic, 2) higher education needs to do a better job of communicating what it does and why to people outside of higher ed. Most of the individuals we would consider student services professionals have no student services background. Granted, that in no way means they can't do the job. I know plenty of great practitoners without a traditional student affairs background. But at Patrick Henry the role of student services is parochial and it therefore becomes much more difficult to balance the needs of student development with the goal of Biblical education. I don't think the two are incompatible. Rather that in taking a liberal arts model of education Patrick Henry is undoubtedly leading itself down the road to uncomfortable compromise, and without individuals who have really engaged deeply with thinking about the mission, goals, and methods of liberal arts education they are making the task even more difficult of themselves.

The book ends with the school divided over direction: Is the goal to promote a classical liberal arts education that asks students to develop critical faculties through intellectual exploration or, is the goal to create Christian warriors who view reading Plato and Kant as opposition research? A number of faculty leave because the decision comes down that the school will be the latter. What really struck me about the students’ stories was how powerful the urge to learn and grow can be. Even in this hot house environment where everyone’s behavior is closely observed and scrutinized, students persist in developing whole authentic independent identities. Pretty cool.

Of course, most of the individuals in the book remain pretty hardcore ideologues. I was therefore surprised to hear that Patrick Henry was not putting on an Islamo-Fascism week when the internet and our office started buzzing about the event.. Now there’s a couple of things about this proposed week that bother me, not least of which is the involvement of David Horrowitz who I think would be happy to see the vast majority of the individuals at my institution fired. I’m sure he’d be happy to do away with Multicultural Affairs. What immediately bothers me about the whole thing is the rhetoric. Are not oppressive Islamic states theocracies? Has Fascism become a catch all for any sort of oppressive governmental structure that is anti-democratic?

I know this blog is supposed to be about my first year in the field, but damn if I haven’t been thinking about this programming week a lot lately. It doesn’t seem to be happening on our campus. I have heard rumblings, but generally if our students haven’t gotten their act together yet they aren’t going to. As a professional, though, I am torn in how I would respond to this if I was forced to.

On the one hand, I believe in the value of Free Speech and a public forum for students to try out ideas. I also recognize the marginalizing effect that such a program can have on a variety of student populations, and the corrosive influence that a debate which is not a dialogue (a distinction that I’ll get to in a second) can have on the campus climate.

When our students engage in dialogue about an issue, I find that generally while consensus might not emerge they are much better about creating a tenor of conversation that is respectful and considerate than individuals outside the institution. This is one of the great things about higher education that our critics may deny, but they would be wrong. At good institutions we are capable of fostering honest, open, and factual debate. In cases like the above program where the framing from the start is oppositional to collaboration and conversation (and let’s not kid ourselves, whatever you believe Islamo-Fascism as a rhetorical gesture frames your programming as oppositional) the tenor of the conversation has been decided before its begun. This is not a conversation or even a debate so much as a broadside.

Here is what I would challenge my students to do were they to come to me with the desire to replicate the proposed programs:
• Invite people with differing perspectives. Not only does this promote conversation, it also makes the program more interesting. Who wants to sit and listen to people passively agree?
• Think outside the box. One of the programs is a vigil for victims of Islamic terrorism. What about a vigil for all victims of terrorism? What about a day of reflection about the consequences of violence?

At the end of the day I have a feeling that we won’t see much in the way of Islamo-Fascism week on our campus. I would welcome it, if its going to add to the campus conversation, and spur student engagement. I just hope that if our students do attempt something like this they do it in a way that reflects the campus and not David Horrowitz’s the misguided notion of Higher Education.

Res. Life in the City #5- Feels Like Home to Me

After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away. ~Carrie Bradshaw


So I have been really stressed recently. Not the normal "wow I have a lot to do" kind of stress or really even the "I feel somewhat over my head" stress. This was more along the lines of "I don't know if I can truly do my job" sort of stress. This is not a good feeling. The past two weeks there has been the overwhelming, soul-crushing force that has been hanging over my head. The feeling that has forced me to work 12, 14, or 16 hour days on a regular basis. The feeling that made me feel totally and completely incompetent at my job. Something was simply not right. What was the solution to this problem? Take five days away from work, escape to my prior institution's Homecoming Weekend, totally forget about responsibilities, hang out with friends, mentors, professors, and former staff members, and basically get the hell out of this funk.

I'm still trying to figure out if it was worth it. Clearly, I had a fantastic time. I did almost everything I wanted to while I was home including:

-Seeing everyone I wanted to and no one I didn't
-Catching up with my three best friends from grad school who all made the trek back to Homecoming (which is pretty fantastic when you think about it since we live about 3,000 miles away from each other)
-Hanging out with old RAs in the context of being a friend and not a supervisor which was pretty much amazing
-Eating at all of the places that I have have been craving since uprooting my life
-Laughing to the point of tears numerous times
-Having conversations with old RAs that helped me remember why I wanted to go into student affairs in the first place
-Living in a residence hall room for five days and experiencing public bathrooms for the first time in four years

While this weekend was truly amazing and good for my soul, it was also difficult in many ways. I have always had issues with change. Not so much personal change, but I don't like it when people or places or things that I love change. Therefore, it should come to no surprise that I burst into tears when I walked into the RA Workroom at my old building. It was simply too much for me to take when I saw a new furniture arrangement, different decorations, new systems and processes, and worst of all, a new grad's stuff in my office. It was really, really, really overwhelming. I think I was finally forced into the realization that I really was gone and didn't work there anymore. Consciously, I knew that I had started a new life, but it wasn't until I saw that everything had changed with my own eyes did it hit me that I wasn't just "playing hall director" at my new school, but I really had left the building, staff, students, and institution that I loved and hated with equal passion for over two years.

While I was away however, life kept on churning at my current school. My RAs dealt with a two and a half hour roommate mediation that ended with a stalemate, there was a student who reported suicidal thoughts and six students all decided they wanted to move. The phrase "life goes on" was never more clearly illustrated to me than when I opened up my e-mail for the first time in five days (aren't you proud? I didn't even look at it while I was away!). I was yet again thrown into the soul-crushing stress that made it hard for me to breathe. I'm not afraid to admit that at one point on Wednesday, I shut my office door, blasted some Journey, and just cried my eyes out. The stress had been building for so long, I was ready for my 1-on-1 with my supervisor to be a conversation about how I was slacking with my job responsibilities, wasn't doing well from an administrative standpoint, and was spending too much time on "fluff" (ie developmental activities with my staff) and literally not getting the job done.

I could not have been more wrong. I tried to keep it together for the first part of my 1-on-1, but then I confessed that I was really stressed and didn't know how I was going to get everything done. My supervisor deftly transitioned into a conversation about mid-semester evaluations. She said that she would like to give me a little feedback before our evaluation together next week. I braced myself for the worst, took a deep breath, and was ready for a reaming. However, she said that I was succeeding well past her expectations. She told me that the amount of developmental activities that I was attempting with my staff was something that campus had never seen before. She told me that she was shocked at the way I could be given a task and simply blow it out of the water. She continued to basically go against every notion that I had in my head about how I was majorly sucking at this job. I'm not writing about this to brag, but instead to process where these misconceptions about job performance are coming from. How is it that I think I am barely keeping my head above water, but my supervisor thinks I am gliding along? I'm going to think about that one and get back to you in a couple of days.

In Medias Res #5- Working for the Weekend

Its been a crazy week, so instead of one long post I’ve written a little bit each day, and posted it all at once.
10/1
During our last staff meeting my supervisor basically told me I need to take a three day weekend and soon. I haven’t had any time off since I’ve started (we worked through labor day-yay orientation!) Now, I’m far from burnt out. In fact, I am still very much in the honeymoon phase. That said, if I’m going to lose the vacation days I may as well take them.
I already bought my tickets to go home for Thanksgiving and Winter Break. I thought a lot about going home for an extra weekend, but the cost and time involved would make the whole trip negligible on the enjoyment scale. I toyed around quiet a bit with trying to get some friends to meet me in Vegas, but then I remembered I don’t gamble and the last time (and only) time I was in Vegas I really hated it.
10/2----------
At my local library’s rummage sale I found a copy of Elvis Costello’s 1977 album ‘My Aim is True’. I should note I found this copy on vinyl and it is pretty much in pristine condition. I took it home last weekend and listened to it as I did laundry and cooked my lunch for Monday. The album kicks off with a barn burner called ‘Welcome to the Working Week’. I’ve always liked Costello but he was never someone that I actually sat down and listened to. ‘Welcome to the Working Week’ I think is how we should all start our day. I think it should be required listening in offices.
10/4----------
This is the first week since I have started this job that I feel stressed. At first I was so new I had nothing to do. There were no students around and so I diddled around the office, reading journals and planning programs that I would probably never do without student input. Once the students got back I was giddy and high on their energy. This week though I definitely felt myself crash.
This was not in response to anything in particular. Nothing tragic happened, but a whole series of things (particularly events and programs for which I am solely responsible) came to a head. Every day this week I’ve gone home and been bone tired. I wake up in the morning and I am tired. I am finally starting to understand why my supervisor wants me to take that three day weekend.
Next week is just as bad, but after that it’s a couple of weeks before I have another program. In that time I’m going to take a three day weekend, leave early a couple of days, and maybe come in late once or twice. (And don’t think I’m committing self sabotage. This is all coming from my supervisor).
Right now, honestly, I just want to go and grab a nap. And it’s 9 o’clock in the morning so that’s probably not a good sign.